Tim Tim and the Toothbrushes
Tim Tim, a big, girly squirrel from Japan, found out from an arcade game in the sewers, that when you cook your laundry in a cow's stomach on Thursday- A magical man's moustache will fall out of the nearest tree. Tim Tim also learnt that when this happens, all the toothbrushes on the moon will fall out of the sky! Tim Tim was so pleased because he LOVED to eat toothbrushes- every day he would sneak into the nearest couch to find one, but all he ever found were angry, obese children who were looking for black and white rainbows... Tim Tim went straight to work- He did just as the Japanese arcade in the sewers told him, and just as the prophecy foretold, the galactic toothbrushes from moon began to rain on the world! Tim Tim was so joyous until he saw that the upside-down sombreros had galloped towards a tiny piece of fish which began to sing an enlightening screem-o version of 'old MacDonald had a farm' in an extremely high-pitched voice as the toothbrushes began to spear themselves in the ground. It was a truly sad day when this happened, Tim Tim didn't realise how many octopuses would spew on a horde of hairless cats. He felt so, so horrible, that he threw a birthday party for a complete stranger that he threw off a cliff just seven years ago... He will never ever forget these series of events. *twinkly reflective music*
THE END
The Tale of Spaghetti Legs Sam
The tale of spaghetti legs Sam: Once there was a man who was born with strange legs made of spaghetti. Now pastor pasta pasteur said it wasn't his fault but as soon as the words escaped his ears Matilda the blue orca sang a song to penny the potatoe. This obviously lead to the tribe of rogue strawberries hidden in the amazon river to offer a sacrifice to the great lord of African cucumbers and as a result Spaghetti legs Sam, as he was known, drew in a deep breath then evacuated his bowls on his fathers legs. His dad, being so shocked as to suddenly having soiled pants spewed in his mother who then spewed into her own mouth and promptly drowned. The doctor rushed out from the table and jumped out the window and as Sam looked out to see what happened he saw the doctor flying away with his own breed of ducks into the sunset. Literally. Sam saw them all fizzle and burn as they hit the many rays of the sun *wipes away happy tears*. But then spaghetti legs sam's aunty sister Mary discovered she absolutely LOVED spaghetti and joined an occult to hunt him down and eat his legendary pasta legs. Sam caught wind of this as the old man farted in front of him and quickly used a planebag (also know as jetpack) to visit his old house in the south. Even though he was born that day it was still his old house. He landed with a PINAFAODNE on the porch and sprinted inside and slammed the door closed as the mosquitoes were attracted to the Bolognese sauce his toes secreted. Quickly he shed off his third layer of skin today and sat on his computer; butt on the screen, and head bent backwards. This was the sign used to summon his godfather, master Nyugen the Japanese elder who guided him in his growth. After a flash of smoke and a man that flew up the chimney in the background Nyugen was there. "Why have you summoned me sir spaghetti?" He quoted indecisively. "Because the pizza is aggressive," Sam replied with a stoic expression. They both spun their heads 180 degrees and did the Macarena, another sign that the meeting was over. Sam felt enlightened and ready to face Mary. Nyugen felt peckish and sat near a bench where an old lady threw him bread crusts he happily pecked at. Sam rode on his horse across the galaxy and stood face to face with Mary. In fact, so face to face he had to angle his face so they weren't kissing. Cause lets face it, kissing your aunty sister is just plain wrong, anyway. "YOU WILL NOT TAKE THE SPAGHETTI!!" He shouted into her check and prodded a sausage into her eyeball somehow. "AHHHAHA DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH! You were dead the moment you came here!" She laughed into his forehead and then Sam fell to the ground. "It must've been.." He coughed weakly and clutched his heart. "The cerebral palsy." Then he closed his eyes and died. Mary chopped off his legs and cooked them in a ramen pot. But. The moment they touched her lips she was struck by lightening. The Lord of African cucumbers had heard the prayers of the strawberries! With a fo shizzle mah nizzle Sam spluttered and sat up. He was alive. He looked to the ground and wiped a tear from his hair follicle number 3. "Thank you cumcumbis lordine," and with that his legs grew back and he no longer had cerebral palsy. "We can now hold the feast of the Galapagos Tortoise!" His father announced gladly and held up a table covered in goods. There was a moment of silence then everyone cheered. After that day spaghetti legs Sam learned to share his legs with everyone.
THE END
Three Random Wishes
I was sliding on my stomach along the footpath when I noticed a stray alpaca merrily imploding into various garbage bins and invading the garbage personal space (I knew this because every time the alpaca dived into the bins I heard "whoa man personal space" or "don't touch me" in high pitches voices). I opened my parachute and sunk into the ground with a creepy look, eyes looking in opposite directions •~_~• and snuck up on my grandpa who fed me beetroot and gave me the hebegebies as he tickled his chocolate armrest who gave me a 'save me' look. I slowly licked my way out of the house and, using the veins in my eyes that regularly popped out for no apparent reason to shut the horse. "But when will the children get their potatoes" I overheard an Irish man ask his hedge as he trimmed it to resemble a hedge. I pushed back a tear with a Lego block and continued on my journey. When I reached the alpaca I noticed it had blue and yellow smoke coming from its butt. Indecisively, I rubbed it and it turned around. It's face was a watermelon end body a bed. "I'm a cherry" he explained as I stated that a funnel would work better than a pickle. "What are your three wishes?" I thought for 78 hours before I said: "I'd like a pet rock." And a dinosaur ate my head and after regurgitating it, gave me a pirate accent. "I'd like seven dolls from Paris." The Eiffel Tower suddenly and effortlessly sliced me in half and fed me a bargain; $99 for a vacuum cleaner!!! "For my third wish I'd like wish giving powers," and I tim tam appeared in under my arm and a tomatoes in my shoe. I was over joyed and pranced on my new hog all the way home until it went rooten and I had to feed it to my toenails before vegetable took over the world. I never saw the world or the alpaca again until 1467 when I......let's just say I broke into a vicking's house and pooped on his goat. It just went -_- and bought Microsoft.
THE END
The Kinky Slinky
Once upon a time there lived a kinky slinky that loved pasta and calendar smoothies. But these weeny smoothies weren't hard to obtain whatsoever so kinky had to un-nessasarily travel all around the world for just one drop of this iguana flavoured smoothie. But this angered animal rights activists who- using raccoons as *coughBritneycough* spears- attacked a random castle in Nepal because no one knew where kinky slept (except of course the speed sign Jack who constantly stalked kinky when he was on the toilet eating breakfast). So when the prime minister of Japan found out of this, he was mad as a mad ass. He waged war on the world which in-evidently ended up being atomic bomb #2 *applause* thank you butlandians. But when the butlandians couldn't stop them, the Japanese all turned into creepy octogenarians and started slowly waltzing to the beat of the "I'm sexy and I know it" song while wearing bee costumes and anime masks which were later found out to be their actual faces 0.0 0.0 indeed little pupil less emoji; this caused strife all around Pluto, although no one cared and continued to believe that mars was a planet although the other planets knew better. *Cough*actually-a-beaver-in-disguise-so-that-it-wouldn't-have-to-pay-parking-tickets-for-its-pet-iguana*cough*
THE END
The Grinch who *cough*failed-to*cough* Stole Christmas
Once there was a old mouldy, lumpy pineapple scented grinch who only spoke in forms of groans and the occasional word like "Christmas" or "teddy bears". One night, the night before Easter in fact, the grinch decided to rob a nearby rib. The owner of the rib called out as the grinch ran off with his rib: "much obliged". But hamburgers were more expensive this time of the hour so the grinch decided to instead find and consume some souls. "*murmermurmermurmer*cometome*murmergroan*" The little children seemed to understand and donated all the food from their orphanage to the grinch who happily used it to trade for cucumbers. Happy, the grinch set off to plot his yearly activity: stealing Christmas and the occasional Easter. *tense music* as the grinch popped a few sheep along the way to his farm, he noticed a large calendar floating above musketeer. He peered into the calendar's soul and learnt how to speak properly, take away the letters A and T and replacing them with an donkey like sound which is represented by ##. "I'm overjoyed ##o ##nnounce ##he ##rrivl of my beloved ##unty ##lex##ndria." His Aunty died two seconds later. But the grinch would not be fed endangered species of coconuts by Britney Spears, so he un efficiently (because he was wearing his dorsal fins with his diesel legs) went up the hill and rolled on his left eyeball down to the factory factory (where they make factories), past the factory factory factory (where they make factories that make factories) and came to a stop on his ornamental cabbage. Intrigued, he went to find out what a blue gummed, apple scented lephracaun was and after learning of it decided to reap some gongs from officer dingle berry. The moment had finally come. Christmas had arrived. He stood on his tower in view of all all the villagers (except joey who was blind in both feet) and cleared his arm. "L##dies ##nd gen##lemen, I, ##he grinch, will now ste##l Chris##m##s". An eerie silence swept over the village (except Optimus prime because he was lost) until one lady said "um I'm sorry about this but umm, you've got the wrong date, it's 8 months until Christmas." The grinch immediately knew; the musketeer must have tricked him into thinking that his toilet needed cleaning!!!! He rushed back to the deflated sheep and confronted the musketeer. "So, just bec##use I h##ve be####er ##oile## ##h##n you!" The grinch stated into the musketeers pocket. No answer. Then it happened. The thing you didn't expect. The epic twist of the plot (by the way I'm raising my voice to make it more tense so if you could do that while you read it/in your head that would be great). The great reveal. The... Umm. Can't think of anything else. I'll just tell you. The musketeer turned around to reveal...he was in fact... The....one and only....if you don't count Miley Cyrus......retarted version of..... The.....•loading•...............just joking, normal version, just stalling while the musketeer is getting into its new costume... THE EASTER GRINCH!!!!!!!!!!! But it took the Christmas grinch a whole to compute, being a grinch and all. We'll just wait. ... .... ..... Oh I think he's got it! Oh wait not that's just a lemon he stole from Mary poppins earlier. ... .... ..... Ok now he's got it... "Yo...yo..your ##he E##s##er grinch?!" The musketeer didn't replied.... Oh hang on *exits narrators studio and enters set, moves grinch back into position after being blown in front of a scarecrow then returns to studio* ok there we go. "Yo...yo..your ##he E##s##er grinch?! "I am indeed" said the Easter grinch in a high pitched monotone voice. "And I've been awakened just as the prophecy the wheezy old man made up 10 minutes ago; by the Christmas grinch forgetting when Christmas was." The Christmas grinch grabbed a nearby Julia Gillard and swing her towards the... Whoa whoa. *exits narrators studio again* "Julia what did I tell you, get off the set!" Tch tch! *returns to studio* anyway.... The C grinch grabbed a beaver from his aunties liver and swung it towards the narrator..... Wait what noooooo! *glass smashes and both grinches enter studio* BOTH GRINCHES: never liked him nyway. A few hours later the narrator awoke to learn that the C grinch gad taken up child care at a local preschool and the E grinch had become a chef cooking at a famous Chinese restaurant. But as the narrator, I mean I, looked into my soup I noticed a tiny nit. Suspicious, I went to the kitchen where the E grinch worked and found out that the E grinch had taken the term 'Chinese restaurant' literally and was COOKING ALL OF THE CABBAGES!!!!! Not exciting enough? Well the next day I travelled to the land of octopuses before I realised I had caught the wrong bus and travelled to the preschool where the C grinch worked. And then saw him KNAWING, no NAWING, wait no GNAWING on the children.......'s toys!!!!!!!! -three days later- I have decided to give up my job as a narrator and take up occupation of bubble herd hunting. This may seem easy but it....ARRRGGGHHH!!!! IVE BEEN HITT BY A BUBBLE ARROW!!! HELP ME IM...I'm...im...I...i. *begins singing* I'm sexy and I know it. FELLOW BUBBLE HERD HUNTER: the symptoms have begun, it's too late for him now. *opens life-saving medicine and drinks because thristy* Barbie looks at him like -_- and shrinks into a marshmellow which has 59 eyes.
THE END
Jerry the Irish Pumpkin
Evicted from his patch, Jerry the Irish pumpkin said goodbye to his family and friends (both of which he didn't have). As Jerry walked for hours on start, he came across a round buttocks that looked as if it was a Pansy's . As jerry moved closer he disagreed with himself and imploded uncontrollably attracting the ENORMOUS butted pansy attention. As the pansy swung around, it knocked over people, animals, buildings causing the authorities to believe there had been a meteor hit the area. Anyway, as Jerry continued walking, although he was serverly imploded, he came across a park. He jumped on the swing and began to become cartoon. Not enjoying this, Jerry quickly changed the channel (even though he was not watching TV and this was in fact real life, but YOU try telling him that,) which after 2 days instantly resulted in death before turning into a carrot! Jerry had had it: he un-imploded himself (which I have come to believe is some sort of low scale combustion) and grew arms and legs and one fluro green hair on his eye and began to destroy the world which actually doesn't exist anymore due to the 'channel change'. But Jerry continued to destroying the already destroyed which would continue to be destroyed before Jerry destroyed it until someone (hopefully his Aunty Jenny) turned on the TV and watched his channel. But this story doesn't have a happy ending- Dr Butstein had destroyed ALL TVs (and mountains but that is beside the point even though it caused the earth to fall off its axis and kill everyone) so no one could ever watch TV.
THE END
An Average Day at Law School
It happened on a fine day in law school. Patricia the piñata who everyone called Fantina the piña, raised his voice an octave lower and mumbled "but then again the pregnant goldfish told me so i might be wrong," to his friend larry the cyber lobster. Slightly appalled, and strangely aroused, larry pulled a horrendous face and dug himself a hole where he buried himself in. "You shall not take my cola which lies within my gallbladders!" He shouted as a floral arrangement grew into his hair. Which was funny because lobsters usually always have hair and the fact that he'd only just grown flowers out of his head at age 6791.636 was a shocking discovery. The scientist from a station situated in the sun (at this point called Berliner due to reasons that can't be explained to an underage audience) quickly flip flopped his way down to earth. He purchased a pair of lungs and thongs and baked them into some custard before pouring it on his head while shouting "CUSTAAAAAADDD!" With that, his research on larry was finally done and with an expression made of orange lollies and a door frame he swam into the ocean. "I'm not a mermaid I'm a merman!" The prince shouted to his sausage dog and stormed down the hallway. He slipped on a suspicous banana peel and as he fell out the window he squealed cause he was actually a Rebecca black fanboy and because of that all his sound effects were higher than usual. As if on cue, his dad who was a woman sprinted onto the scene and bent down and accidentally let his stomach fall on the ground. "Better get that looked at again," he scooped the blob of skin into his eyes and wore it as a hat as he paraded down the town. Old woman Murray fainted at the sight since she had always longed to see the king. So long in fact her eyeballs now protruded 617ft out of her head. Unfortunate, yes indeed.... Obviously this lead to larry emerging a thousand years later as a starfish And taking over the world using mint flavoured draperies and chocolate coated piano keys. A pretty lethal combination. Godzilla was woken from his beauty sleep and with a gurgle of distaste he stomped on larry. "RRRAALLLLRRAGGHGGH!?!" Translation: "how dare ye wake doppelgänger goats!?" Oh wait I think the translation went a bit wrong. *voice in the back* or incredibly right. ANYWHO. Larry spawned a clone of Barack Obama who reinvented the carbon tax of Dutch people and began a campaign to allow Indians to wear clogs and/or crocs to funerals. This didn't go down very well with Patrica or Fantina as he's known, which is why he opened the pantry cupboard and aggressively ate two crackers before exploding up and down the stairs. His mother Jarlsbirger had to clean up for months after that anger burst (get it? Heheh) and literally the moment shed finished mopping up his remains she exploited herself and lost her money on an impulse trip to Indonesia. "Damn." She whispered loud enough for the Chinese to hear as it was actually a secret code. It meant 'buy three packs of toilet paper cause I'm all out ~cough thanks to Brittany spears cough~' the Chinese complied and within three ultraseconds it was at her door step. Then. All of a sudden. The scientist from Berliner appeared and grabbed them all. "Ill be needing this up in space" he garbled then shoved it all down his pants and the rockets in his feet activated sending him hurtling into the atmosphere. "Hmmmm" every single person hummed at the same time which created a vibration so deep the earth was knocked off its axis and caused the sun to implode on itself resulting in the waste of all that toilet paper tsk tsk. Just kidding, the scientist had to use it all on the way there since he had explosive bowl syndrome.
THE END
Wendy the Albino Polar Bear
DaveSmithicus
It all started when Wendy, the albino polar bear who had whiskers for legs and bulldogs for feet, decided she hated Obama so much that she must eat 200kg of marshmallows and 99 milli grams of jellyfish. Cairo couldn't withstand the population of newly released dorsal fin flavoured ice creams so it bought 60000 baboons so they would attract more obsolete wood chucks that would dominate North Korea and turn it from a communist country to one that mostly worshipped barbie. Anyway, as Wendy begun to walk from her private toilet on New Jersey, she noticed that she was headed for the museum of museums. But she didn't have a DNA pass for McDonald's so she just bypassed Mr Turtle's peach flavoured shoes factory and perched in front of the casino for quadriplegic antelopes where porcupines and llamas would compete against a polka dot air conditioner to see who would wallop a salmon (fried not baked). When Wendy opened the rotten cabbage (the secret entrance to the casino) she realised her uncle beetroot, a champion blinker, hadn't payed St Globerglook for the prayers he has used to for full his dream: to implode with the queen and her private majestic hyena who could plop ALL over Buckingham palace in under 0.587 of a second. She confronted his back (he hid his hush puppies in his stomach in case their was a fire in the skipping rope factory) and she slapped his deformed Doritos that balanced on his left bicep. He disintegrated. Sad but not caring, Wendy popped a nearby pontoon before she saw her grandmother, an adolescent sheep whose feet were covered smily faced warts, and Wendy's school friend Emily who had an obsession with warts and clung to Grandma's feet 24/7, constantly staring at them while licking her lips. Grandma went on and on about how harvesting cockatoos before Walt Disney released a new movie was inhumane and unhygienic until Wendy couldn't eat another How-to CPR magazine. She phoned channel Ten and it didn't take too long till doctor Chris readjusted Grandma's face to resemble a oversized frozen watermelon. Relived, Wendy could finally do what she hopped here to do; buy Einstein's earwax! She stamped her 4th left knuckle before assuming she had ridded herself of any liquid and made her way to the How-To-Consume-a-Rainbow's-Uncle-While-Picking-Ripe-Manure-Saloon section of the casino and demanded she was appointed head of the US military. Three days later she was and as her first order was to have all the wooden beanbags labelled as either edible or aqua coloured but she also had to resist the temptation to have an affair with the ozone layer only to fall in love with her LEGO flavoured hairbrush the next day and get married the next month and have baby narwhals the next year. But the ashes of Wendy's uncle would have their revenge. They crawled VERY slowly to the sloth farm and sucked all the BO out of the sloths before travelling via tsunami to octopus land and gaining 8 legs each and then flying (using their 8 legs as rotors) to Wendy's mansion (which was actually George Washington's outhouse) and burst into Wendy's private google account where he posses her virtual DJ/lol cat and rampaged all over New Zealand's bank account which immediately activated its security system: rubber ducks sprouted out of the pores of every New Zealand citizen except the creepy stalker who was awkwardly buying adult nappies at the time and everyone was suddenly wearing Mexican pyjamas and spoke in high pitched Pig Latin. Wendy couldn't care less, so she sent the entire US army to New Zealand to steal the rare endangered kiwi fruit species of monkey, which had a kiwi fruit head and body but monkey limbs. Wendy rode on a chocolate coated camel back home again. Rhonda's orphanage for non-orphans shut down and Kate's Home For Kids With Parents was flooded with orphans. Wrinkle smoothies became popular in Pakistan before yerroism (terrorists that wear yellow hats and undies {known because they had see-through pants} which absorbed orange juice) announced oranges would taste 28% less like stale golden Easter eggs (the ones extracted from toxic waste from Easter island) and turtles would be 89% less tormented by demented obese walruses. And just to end the story, let's just say Wendy quit her job and became a Scrabble board game and her husband (the hairbrush) occupied 2 times the space he once did after eating Jenny Craig... Literally. Wendy's uncle reformed into the remote control for an IMAX theatre in New York and the Eiffel Tower took up being a kebab maker in Nepal for people on the way to the McDonald's on Mt Everest. For now it's the... *creepy whisper* End *closing credits music* *one last creepy whisper in the dark* I will...have my revenge (Wendy's uncle) *creepy music builds then drops off into eerie silence* *a faint scream can be heard in the distance followed by an quiet evil laugh* *light turns on* Hey! Yells Wendy's uncle to Wendy who was at the door of the now lit up room. "Wait, if your Wendy over there..." Uncle stops and turns to his knife. "Then who have I *coughmurderedcough*?!" Turns body over to reveal.....it's his gouged pancreas collection! "NOOOOOOOO!" *under breathe* she'll never know I'm actually just her dad's fathers wife's brother in law's son's brother.
THE END
The Rubber Gherkin
DaveSmithicus
Once there was a rubber gherkin. Now as you know rubber gherkins are highly flammable and most women by the name of Hyhiignwhlaigi (pronounced Hi-heg-na-wha-lie-guy) will burst into acidic pineapple tears if they touch them. Anyway, one day, the rubber gherkin decided it LOVED yodelling so it set off to its uncle's unicorn hoof factory. On the way the gherkin saw this man who was giving him a creepy smile and saying "You need bracers for your eyebrows" before snorting so hard 7 leprechauns from Japan came out his next door neighbour's (a 89 year old women) ear. Ignoring the man, the gherkin continued licking a cat that Harry Potter adopted from McDonalds whilst amputating Julia Gillard 3rd eye from her butt. The cat smiled and stated in a deep rich molasses voice: "If only King David could have smelt that flamingo" and begun to purr. Finally, the Gherkin said: "Well I'll be touched in the eyelid and sent to Moscow to be framed in a poodle's armpit!" he exclaimed, "My uncle is DEAD!!!" He sobbed quietly to a random young boy who merely pressed F13 (which of course didn't exist) and, turning inside out, licked his way to Parliament House in Francemy (The one with the glass hip that creepily snores while people stare at it). Then an short old lady with pimples for eyes and dwarfs for legs came and sat next to him. "Cheer up old chap," she patted his now high pitched voiced elf protestants ridden back who protested against maths in India whilst the movie OMGHGF (oh my giddy hog gigity fluff, based on the true tale of a man who saw a naked fly) was playing for the 57483 time. She then handed him a disturbed Indian, "Here, try violating this to cheer you up" Sure enough the Gherkin was cheerful in a matter of decades. "Thanks" the gherkin said to the Indian, who have been violated (politically that is) so much his armpits where coming out his eyes, but nodded as he walked away, brief case in foot. So the moral of the story is, don't say 'poipidipoip' if your dog has no credit left on its yoga form that needed to be handed in to the president of carpets in Japan three and 1/2 weeks ago.
THE END
A Tiger's Death
A.J.
Once upon a time there was a tiger, named Bard, you see for most of his life he worked as a bath mat. one day he died, he died in a very special way, that being an old man named, fairyhustom shot him in the liver causing him deteriorate into ashes. The old man, having done such a heinus crime then turned into a tree. This tree then became home to all of the surviving humans left one earth. But you see fairyhustom's valley girl soul was still left in the tree and he was quite annoyed at the humans and wanted to talk " you humans should, like, totally, like, gat out of my branches, cause, like, you're annoying me." But the humans did not listen to the tree, as the were too busy looking at the purple, sequined rooster-type-birds in the sky. But you see it was not birds it was actually a hippo with a love-heart shaped birth-mark on the left breast. So the tree and the humans banded together and sang thier national anthem, causing the hippo to fall from the sky and cure Ebola.
THE END